Who Do You Want to Be?

I worked as a hospital chaplain from October 2020 to May 2022. Hospital chaplaincy is a difficult line of work in general, but this was a particularly difficult period of time in the field. I entered the hospital for the first time before receiving a Covid vaccine, when there was a collective shock shared among all healthcare workers. I was a fresh face in a shell-shocked world. It was also an important time in my life as I was finishing seminary while launching into adulthood and ministry in tandem.

Toward the end of my time as a hospital chaplain I was having a difficult time with one of my coworkers. We couldn’t seem to see eye-to-eye on anything. I felt like every time I sucked up my ego and offered a kindness to this person it was thrown back in my face. One afternoon, I met with my mentor and supervisor to complain about the situation and seek his insight. I told him I was exhausted, and tired of trying to be in a relationship with this coworker. He nodded and listened. And then he paused and asked me: “who do you want to be?”

I looked back at him confused. I thought to myself: “I wasn’t talking about me! I’m obviously not the problem!” He sensed my confusion and repeated his question, adding that since I can’t change the coworker’s behavior I have to decide who I want to be in the face of this difficult situation. I let out a heavy sigh (or perhaps an annoyed “humph”) and began to think.

I told him that I want to be someone who is kind. I want to go high when they go low (thank you Michelle Obama). I want to be someone who doesn’t give up on others. I want to be consistent in both my boundaries and my free-flowing grace. I then sighed again at myself as I realized what this would mean for my relationship with my coworker. My mentor was on the same page and asked me what I could now do differently. In order to be the person I wanted to be, I needed to dig deep within myself to plant a seed of compassion for this person who bothered me. I needed to set my sights on where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be, and then move toward that horizon.

My coworker didn’t change overnight, but my behavior did. I became less bothered by their behavior as I shifted my focus to who I was in their presence and how I wanted to react. I watched myself grow into the person I want to be in the face of a difficult relationship. By the end of my time at the hospital, that little mustard seed of compassion had grown and the two of us found a workable–and even enjoyable–equilibrium.

I learned so much working as a hospital chaplain through the worst of the pandemic as a young adult fresh out of seminary. I have countless stories of the messy mix of death, hope, loss, and joy, which I am certain will emerge in my writing to come. And yet, my most profound learning moment–which I frequently revisit–came from my mentor’s question: “Who do you want to be?”

Hopefully this question stirs something in you as we usher in this new year.

Text copyright © 2023 Grace Woodward. All rights reserved.